well now i'm told that this is life...

"and pain is just a simple compromise, so we can get what we want out of it. would someone care to classify a broken heart and twisted minds, so i can find someone to rely on..."

this is the second part of my conversation. (you can read these in either order, but reading the other post first might be helpful.

me:

i'm on the verge of tears and i can't really tell why.

xander:

because it's hard stuff to talk about maybe? lol

me:

ha. maybe. idk. i just have trust issues. i trust some too easily, but stop really quickly and it grows stale. others tell me i don't trust them enough, and i don't know why.

xander:

you probably just haven't found the right people to trust. especially if you've been with ones who have hurt you or abused your trust

me:

no one i've known, so far, is ready to help a broken person put their pieces back together. but they expect others to help them. i've always trusted other people, the ones i've managed to get close to, but almost none of them have trusted me back very much. because that can't handle talking to someone that is broken.

xander:

you know what sucks the most? pretending your not broken just so you can protect the other person. if they aren't good enough to handle that than they just aren't worth your time.......

and that's such a hard lesson to learn

me:

i pretend to not be broken all the time. every day of my life.

it builds until it destroys me.

xander:

its too much of a weight to bear

me:

yes it is.

my friendships are always better until the day i break.

and then it's like we were never close.

i'm on my own because they can't help me.

xander:

friends are supposed to be there to put you back together when you do break. and if they can't do that, than at least they can support you while you do it yourself

me:

they don't know how. and they don't understand the mood swings that come with it. i bitch a lot when i'm broken. little things irritate me. i snap at everything. i do apologize for it later, but they never truly accept it. they back off because they think i need space, and the ones that stick around get frustrated, because i'm a huge pessimist.

only one person has made it longer than the span of a single schooling. and even then, we don't talk very often anymore, because we're at different schools.

xander:

sounds like you just need a friend who is strong enough to stay optimistic and supportive even when you can't be

me:

more than you know.

well you treat me just like another stranger...

"well it's nice to meet you sir. i guess i'll go. i best be on my way out..."

this is part of a conversation that my friend xander and i had today. before this point, we discussed the fact that i'm giving up on trying. i'm going to leave it up to astro-boy to come to me if he wasnt to hang out, or things of the like. that i'm tired of the whole effort being one sided...

me:

yeah, idk. like it's fine when we're together. but texting is becoming difficult. i'm always the one starting conversations. i'm tired of it (my heart is quite fragile, and has been for the past year) and i'm tired of putting it out there only to be crushed. i need to stop putting myself out there, especially when i can see that it's not going to turn out well.

xander:

ah! i understand how that is. but honestly, as much as it hurts, you gotta put it out there at first just to see if its worth it. and it obviously doesn't sound like it's going to be if he's not holding up his end of it

me:

his end of what, though? sure, we've flirted a hung out a lot. but what does that really mean? that he's a fun guy, who naturally flirts, and likes to hang out with people? because so far that's all i can prove.

xander:

yeah. i know. but it seemed like he liked you

me:

yes, it did. but that could just be his personality. i'm not confident enough in out friendship to really bring it up, yet. i've been making the steps, opening the lines. now i'm closing them. if he wants to keep talking to me, he can come to me. i'll continue sitting with him during class and things of the like, but i'm not going to ask about going over there or text very much outside of class, unless he starts it.

i don't want to push him away, but i'm tired of always being the one to start everything. (this applies to my friendships, too. but that's a conversation for another day.)

xander:

ah i see. it's just a very frustrating situation i'm sure. but maybe if you make him work for any kind of relationship at all he'll find that he wants that relationship, and maybe even a serious one, more

me:

maybe. we'll see, i guess. i just suck at finding people to like, in general, and i get hurt a lot. somehow i just keep continuing the cycle, failing to learn from my mistakes. i've been told i have a very harsh personality, and i can see that as being true. most of the time, you either love me or hate me

xander:

the right person for you is out there somewhere and i promise it will be someone who appreciates all the great qualities in you that your friends do. and once they realize that, they won't fuck it up by hurting you

me:

no, i'll fuck it up by hurting them.

xander:

no you won't

me:

(feeling cynical, my apologies.)

i've done it before.

i had something great. but i wasn't ready. i let me fear take over me, and control my decision. i broke up with him, and now we pretty much can't even be friends. i loved him terribly. and i still do. but i broke it. i broke us. and i can't change it.

all my relationships have been like smaller, less involved versions of that.

xander:

did i ever tell you that that's exactly how my first relationship turned out? i love him. still do. it still haunts me and is probably the only regret i will ever have. it changes how i look at relationships-how i act in them. i'm afraid to get too serious again. but you can't ignore your feelings. or worry that they will mess up any new relationships. how you see your relationship ending up is how it WILL end up

me:

i used to see astro-boy and i getting closer and closer and him maybe having to break up with rachael for some reason or another, and me helping him through it. that maybe then, later, he'd kindof see me for the first time. but that changed into me seeing us getting together, in a way, anyway, after hanging out more and such. and that's changed too. now i see us staying classmates and sometimes friends.

xander:

you can make anything happen-no matter what it is-if you try hard enough. you just need to find the perfect balance between what you want and what's best for you

me:

what's best for me, i believe, is finding someone that can take care of me and support me, while i mend my heart. keeping a safe distance, but being just close enough.

what i want is a relationship.

xander:

and you will find it i promise

mixed tapes, not mixed messages...

astro-boy decided to creep on my facebook yesterday and got my number. not that i mind him having my number, i just think it's funny. anyway, he asked me to study with him for the test that we have today. of course i said yes. who in their right mind wouldn't say yes to studying with a cute boy? not me, that's who. so we started planning meeting up and such. and he offered to study at his house. am i really expected to say no to that? no? well, good. because i most certainly took him up on that offer (of course, i used some lame reasoning about needing a change of scenery. ha). then he offers to meet me at a bus stop so we can go get his car. i get to ride in his car, too?! hell yeah, bitches! this just keeps getting better. so we finally meet up and he's extra cute, as usual. he gives me this silly little wave, and has a dumb little smile across his face. am i trying to contain my own dumb little smile? obviously. we have a nice long conversation about music until we get to his place.

we went directly to his room when we got there. (guess they all stick to their rooms like we do in dorms... ha.) it's a little messy, but there's plenty of walking space so i'm not complaining. i look around for a place to sit and the only immediately available surface is his bed. i don't want to jump the gun and sit there in case he's planning on going somewhere else... then i get the go-ahead with this comment, "the bed's a futon, so just pretend it's in the upright position." (of course, he still has that smirk across his face. by this point, i'm dying.) so i move the comforter out of the way and i sit on his bed and pull out my papers and stuff.

we actually get down to studying, starting with copying each other's notes of the things that we missed and such. then i start quizzing him on the sample questions that i printed off. this, of course, involves great amounts of flirting and some really intense eye-contact. this is all fine and great. we're actually studying, and we're having fun while doing it. fantastic. when we get done around 10, he asks if i'm ready. i was a little confused and didn't really say anything. and he goes, "for me to take you home?" in my head, i'm like, oh... it's gonna be an early night. that's alright. so i said, "oh.. sure!" and he says, "well, i mean, unless you're not ready to go..." i said that whatever was fine with me. so we sat there for a minute not really doing anything.

about now you'd be expecting us to move closer and for something to happen, right? wrong. he got on his computer and we started talking about music and comparing songs and such. he showed me what he's doing in one of his classes and did his homework. we had another "no what?" moment, but it passed when we started talking about music again. which is all fine and well, because i love music, and listening to new bands. but by now, we're sitting right next to each other. i mean reaalllly close. you'd think something was going to happen, yeah? especially with all this flirting and whatnot. but no. nothing happens. we're going through my music, and i come to "best of me" by the starting line. i love this song, and he says he used to, also. but he played it out. i can understand that, i've done it before. then he says that his girlfriend loves it, too. hold up, son. what's that? i mean, i'm not blind. i've seen the facebook pictures and such, but i wasn't really sure it was that serious. but we've done some serious flirting.. i mean... we're sitting less than 6 inches away from each other. and you bring her up? what? oy vey...

around 11:45ish he says it's about time to take me home because he needs to get up earlyish and study and go to class. so he drove me back to my dorm. we got there, and he got a craving for el bistro. he lives off campus, so he doesn't have it that often. i don't know how he managed it, but be talked me into eating with him... so i closed the car door and we drove over there. walked in ten minutes before it closed. slowest service of my life. (that's a rant for another day. ha.) so we talk and flirt some more and then he waits to make sure i can get in the building, and we say goodnight. from ten feet away. great way to end the night? not exactly...

mmm, popcorn... well, not this kind.

alright so this kid thinks he's absolutely the shit. and i just don't get it. yeah, he can be fun to hang out with, but he seems to think that he always has to have the last word, or that he has to argue everything i say. which is really effing annoying.

but let's start from the beginning. a little less than a month ago, joci and i went to this party at the house of our (soon-to-be) friend. joci "met" him first, and i "met" his friend (let's call him bob). we made out a little, you know, as tends to happens when you meet people at parties. that was all fine and good. the next day, the 4 of us went to lunch together and that was fine as well. i started talking to mr. popcorn a little more, because joci seemed to be fond of him, and i wanted to get to know this kid, too. (bob was pretty much a lost cause... all he did was sleep, and he appeared to be a tool. but that's alright.) the next day joci, mr. popcorn, and myself hung out and that was pretty rad. he was a cool kid, if not a little horny (yes, joci, i would kill myself, too...). well then i don't really know how it happened, but he and i seemed to be talking a lot more, and hanging out a lot more. within just a few days, we were pretty much dating. i remember one night he walked me home and we talked for a while. after he left, i said something about not doing very well emotionally and he continually offered to come over and help take my mind off things, or listen, as i saw fit. well i told him i would be fine and that i would just talk to him in the morning. not too long later, i got a text asking if i was going to let him in or not. that's right, folks, he came over to keep me company, even though it was very late, and he had a 9:05 class the next morning. i thought it was very sweet of him. we talked for a couple hours on separate couches. then he was tired, so he laid his head on my legs. well that wasn't working so he moved to another couch. reluctantly, i followed, and we cuddled and talked some more. turns out, he wasn't doing so great himself, and we had a deeper talk than i had anticipated. it was that night that we decided to try to be together (bad decision, i know). the next day, he spent the night, but i wasn't so sure about trying a relationship anymore. i was going through my own troubles with not talking to lakebay and things of that nature, and it just wasn't a good time for me to be trying to be happy with someone else. we talked about it, and he wasn't really ready either.

you'd think that would kindof be the end of things, right? ha. not even close. we continued to talk a lot and such (the rest of the memories in the meantime haven't been quite as clear). we would still hold hands and cuddle and all that good stuff. well, i'm not really one to be able to behave that way with someone other than the person i'm dating. i just find that stuff to be kindof a big deal, and i can't go cuddling willy-nilly. i spoke to him about this one night, and he said that was fine, but that he thought he would start to grow apart from the 3 of us. (oh, shit. i left out a whole part. long story short, linds became a part of out group, and mr. popcorn, being the person that he is, decided that he wanted to go for her. well she wasn't really having it, especially after joci and i told her how he had been treating us. so, what did he do? yep, came back to me.) i told him that didn't need to happen. that we could still be friends and hang out and he tried to say he wouldn't want to anymore. well i thought that was a load of bullshit. but i told him we could still cuddle every now and then (because i want[ed] to help him out with what's going on his life, so i wanted him to stick around). well that also went further than i really wanted it to.

one night, he and i decided to watch a tv show together, online. after said show was over, we talked about the possibility of trying again, because he wasn't convinced it couldn't work (note: he was the one who really made the decision that we shouldn't try again after that first time because he didn't think we could have a "healthy" relationship). in my mind, i was doing lots of eye rolls and things of that nature, because he hadn't bothered to inform me of this until i told him i didn't want him to come back to my dorm with me, even to just talk. but i was nice about it and we talked and i, once again, gave him my reasoning why we shouldn't try anything (not including the fact that i wasn't really as attracted to him as i had been, oops...). i didn't feel he had really understood my reasoning, because he seemed to be pressuring me to get through my issues faster than would really be possible.

after another day or two, i told him that it wasn't the best time for us to try anything and he said that was alright. well, now he seems to be trying to get with joci again, because she's the only one who can really stand him. did i mention that he likes to argue everything i say? yes? good. because he does. he makes sarcastic, argumentative comments about off-handed things that i say, and it's really fucking annoying (i do believe i'm not alone on this one...). our friendship seems to slowly be deteriorating, which isn't something i want, but seems to be something i can't control.

anyway. once again, you are a champ if you actually made it through this whole post. thanks for reading, i really just needed to get it out. and writing has helped me to see i definitely made a good choice. =]

Here Goes Nothing...

alright. we all know that i'm not much of a writer, but lately i just feel like i need somewhere to lay down my thoughts. i need to keep my mind straight, and keep myself sane by not keeping this stuff in! for some of you, this is just a place you'll be able to keep up with me, and make my life easier by not having to repeat everything a million times! so thanks for reading.

now onto the first topic...

today was a really good day for me, and i'm not really sure why that is. it took me absolutely forever to get out of bed this morning, but once i had showered and finally woken up, i was on a roll... i got breakfast (plan bagel with regular cream cheese and a banana, thanks for asking), had time to relax while eating it, and got to my first day of work 10 minutes early! i met some pretty cool people there; i think this job is going to be awesome! after that, i had lunch with my girl joci and lazed around some more. i went to my astronomy class, and i got to talking with astro-boy and we're finally facebook friends! (i know that's really lame, but oh well! it's fun...) i think he and i could get to be pretty good friends over this semester... hm, we shall see. i get to see him again on thursday! =]

oh. speaking of which, i just need to ask this of the dating gods... why in the hell do i seem to attract all the boys that are in/will very soon be in relationships? hm?? please fucking tell me what i did to piss you off that much! i promise i'll fix it... and then maybe you can send a single one my way (that doesn't just want some serious ass. as in the case of mr. popcorn). ugh, please?

anyway... the rest of my day has been pretty swell. after class and some good talking with astro-boy, i worked out with joci. that was some intense shit, and i will most certainly be feeling it in the morning. then (after showering, of course!) we got together with linds and e and mr. popcorn for some pizza x (which i did not partake in, because i didn't want to ruin my workout. ha). linds and i went back to her dorm for the season premier of ncis (hell yeah, bitches!), and here we are.

to top off my amazing day, i've been talking to my ex, let's call him lakebay. long story short (though i will post the longer version eventually), i broke up with him about a year ago, and a little over a month ago i decided that we shouldn't talk/be friends for a while, so that he could grow with his new girl. it was a tough decision for me, but one that needed to be made. a couple days ago, i decided i was ready to talk to him again. we tried to text, but didn't really get anywhere, so i let him know why i was contacting him. he responded to that, and we've been texting on and off all day. it's really awesome. i can't lie, i still really miss him. but now, i'm mostly missing the friendship that we had after the relationship ended (because it was awesome). we're going to try to rebuild our friendship, though we're both aware that we may not be able to reach the level we were at before. i'm not really sure i like that, but it's the way it's gotta be...

well, now. i've written a novel for y;all to read. if you actually got through this whole thing. props to you! and thanks for reading.