"well it's nice to meet you sir. i guess i'll go. i best be on my way out..."
this is part of a conversation that my friend xander and i had today. before this point, we discussed the fact that i'm giving up on trying. i'm going to leave it up to astro-boy to come to me if he wasnt to hang out, or things of the like. that i'm tired of the whole effort being one sided...
yeah, idk. like it's fine when we're together. but texting is becoming difficult. i'm always the one starting conversations. i'm tired of it (my heart is quite fragile, and has been for the past year) and i'm tired of putting it out there only to be crushed. i need to stop putting myself out there, especially when i can see that it's not going to turn out well.
xander:
ah! i understand how that is. but honestly, as much as it hurts, you gotta put it out there at first just to see if its worth it. and it obviously doesn't sound like it's going to be if he's not holding up his end of it
me:
his end of what, though? sure, we've flirted a hung out a lot. but what does that really mean? that he's a fun guy, who naturally flirts, and likes to hang out with people? because so far that's all i can prove.
xander:
yeah. i know. but it seemed like he liked you
me:
yes, it did. but that could just be his personality. i'm not confident enough in out friendship to really bring it up, yet. i've been making the steps, opening the lines. now i'm closing them. if he wants to keep talking to me, he can come to me. i'll continue sitting with him during class and things of the like, but i'm not going to ask about going over there or text very much outside of class, unless he starts it.
i don't want to push him away, but i'm tired of always being the one to start everything. (this applies to my friendships, too. but that's a conversation for another day.)
xander:
ah i see. it's just a very frustrating situation i'm sure. but maybe if you make him work for any kind of relationship at all he'll find that he wants that relationship, and maybe even a serious one, more
me:
maybe. we'll see, i guess. i just suck at finding people to like, in general, and i get hurt a lot. somehow i just keep continuing the cycle, failing to learn from my mistakes. i've been told i have a very harsh personality, and i can see that as being true. most of the time, you either love me or hate me
xander:
the right person for you is out there somewhere and i promise it will be someone who appreciates all the great qualities in you that your friends do. and once they realize that, they won't fuck it up by hurting you
me:
no, i'll fuck it up by hurting them.
xander:
no you won't
me:
(feeling cynical, my apologies.)
i've done it before.
i had something great. but i wasn't ready. i let me fear take over me, and control my decision. i broke up with him, and now we pretty much can't even be friends. i loved him terribly. and i still do. but i broke it. i broke us. and i can't change it.
all my relationships have been like smaller, less involved versions of that.
xander:
did i ever tell you that that's exactly how my first relationship turned out? i love him. still do. it still haunts me and is probably the only regret i will ever have. it changes how i look at relationships-how i act in them. i'm afraid to get too serious again. but you can't ignore your feelings. or worry that they will mess up any new relationships. how you see your relationship ending up is how it WILL end up
me:
i used to see astro-boy and i getting closer and closer and him maybe having to break up with rachael for some reason or another, and me helping him through it. that maybe then, later, he'd kindof see me for the first time. but that changed into me seeing us getting together, in a way, anyway, after hanging out more and such. and that's changed too. now i see us staying classmates and sometimes friends.
xander:
you can make anything happen-no matter what it is-if you try hard enough. you just need to find the perfect balance between what you want and what's best for you
me:
what's best for me, i believe, is finding someone that can take care of me and support me, while i mend my heart. keeping a safe distance, but being just close enough.
what i want is a relationship.
xander:
and you will find it i promise
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