well now i'm told that this is life...

"and pain is just a simple compromise, so we can get what we want out of it. would someone care to classify a broken heart and twisted minds, so i can find someone to rely on..."

this is the second part of my conversation. (you can read these in either order, but reading the other post first might be helpful.

me:

i'm on the verge of tears and i can't really tell why.

xander:

because it's hard stuff to talk about maybe? lol

me:

ha. maybe. idk. i just have trust issues. i trust some too easily, but stop really quickly and it grows stale. others tell me i don't trust them enough, and i don't know why.

xander:

you probably just haven't found the right people to trust. especially if you've been with ones who have hurt you or abused your trust

me:

no one i've known, so far, is ready to help a broken person put their pieces back together. but they expect others to help them. i've always trusted other people, the ones i've managed to get close to, but almost none of them have trusted me back very much. because that can't handle talking to someone that is broken.

xander:

you know what sucks the most? pretending your not broken just so you can protect the other person. if they aren't good enough to handle that than they just aren't worth your time.......

and that's such a hard lesson to learn

me:

i pretend to not be broken all the time. every day of my life.

it builds until it destroys me.

xander:

its too much of a weight to bear

me:

yes it is.

my friendships are always better until the day i break.

and then it's like we were never close.

i'm on my own because they can't help me.

xander:

friends are supposed to be there to put you back together when you do break. and if they can't do that, than at least they can support you while you do it yourself

me:

they don't know how. and they don't understand the mood swings that come with it. i bitch a lot when i'm broken. little things irritate me. i snap at everything. i do apologize for it later, but they never truly accept it. they back off because they think i need space, and the ones that stick around get frustrated, because i'm a huge pessimist.

only one person has made it longer than the span of a single schooling. and even then, we don't talk very often anymore, because we're at different schools.

xander:

sounds like you just need a friend who is strong enough to stay optimistic and supportive even when you can't be

me:

more than you know.